Thank you Melba for selecting one of my suggestions for a theme for this week's MMM. I wouldn't have suggested it if I'd known how hard I'd find it to do!
I wonder why we all make so much noise?
Why do I?
Is it to stop myself from hearing the small voice inside that wants me to be happy?
To make a change now from busy to happy?
To alter how I see reality now?
To stop me from hearing that little voice encouraging me to be myself?
When I get really quiet I wonder why I don't do it more often.
Why I don't let myself hear my own song singing. Why do I blot it out? What am I so scared of? Is it fear that stops me? Is there some mass hallucination to avoid hearing ourselves? Is it an old program that we are all running? Something that we forget to switch off?
Okay so I stop. And listen. What do I hear?
I feel the joy of love rushing in to fill the empty space - was I really making noise to keep the love out?
I notice where my legs are being hurt by this chair - why don't I get more comfortable? Am I punishing myself for something? Or simply choosing to keep going and make a virtue out of it?
I feel my lips smiling, I feel and accept myself as I am.
Ah so that's what is so frightening!
I'm no longer making an effort and I am being content. I am happy to just be here. To be me as I am.
I hear all those voices from childhood telling me to stop doing whatever it is - now! And of course that means stop being happy.... or so part of me thought... Teachers in particular seem to have had difficulty coping with a happy me... I was a fidget and I had to learn to keep still... I was a chatterer and I had to learn to shut up and listen... I was an explorer and I had to learn to stick to the teacher's agenda... I was a toucher and I had to learn not to...
I learnt more than my lessons at school. I learnt a way of doing that didn't include being me.
(I am not blaming my teachers - they work in a system where this is inevitable for at least some of their pupils.)
Is being happy a sin? The search for happiness is one thing but being happy is another...
And in this space I wonder whether the search for happiness is the problem. Searching is doing. Happiness is being.
Is it possible to be doing and being at the same time?
And I realise that the search for happiness provides so many ways for others to manipulate me; I may find myself buying books, cars, houses, whole lifestyles in the pursuit of happiness... yet being happy is none of those things. It is being quiet within myself in this moment...
Happiness is wordless; the search for happiness is full of them.
To bring the words back from the space of happiness is tricky. The song is wordless.
Rather than create a picture of happiness I did one of the noise that I was in before.
Yesterday we found that one of our pound coins had 3 legs on it. It was a Manx coin from the Isle of Man.
Looking at the image I've created those three legs have crept in.
Its not that I think money is the root of all evil but I think its pursuit drives us to forget ourselves. I wish I had stopped working in a place that eventually I only escaped through illness... and I did suspect that I needed to leave but I kept on keeping on...
One of the keys from my other MMMs is here too. And a form of maze or labyrinth. I wonder whether the labyrinth is some sort of reference to the maze of cubicles I used to work within... though they were much greyer!
I'm not, as yet, aware of any other influences.
What do you see here?
For other people's see Mixed Media Memoirs
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18 comments:
I think sometimes we are scared to step off the treadmill because if we really stop and be quiet we find ourselves alone with ourselves. Many people find that concept so scary that they never let themselves stop. But if we take the risk, maybe we will find selves that we actually really like....?
You have some really deep thoughts here. I have been out of the rat race for so long, I quit to be daycare provider for my grandson and granddaughter. I am sitting here now with my backdoor open though it is a bit cold, I can hear the birds and the wind and a dog barking now and then. The jay's caw is not pleasant to the ear. I am alone a lot and it is often quiet. I turn on the TV sometimes not to feel so alone. Sometimes I enjoy the silence but other times it is overwhelming. Today the March winds are roaring with gusts up to 45 mph. The sound of the wind moaning makes me feel cold.
I enjoyed your post today. I see a convoluted path that is serpentine. I see marching, leaping, standing still. I see arteries and green growing, and intertwining. I am not sure what the gold is, I thought your initial at first. I see purple mountains and flower petals. I see splashes of beautiful blue water. I see powerlines and energy. That is what I see.
Thank you both for your thoughtful comments.
Zinkibaru - I agree - what surprises me is how often I seem to forget that stopping and being me will not only be okay but actually really good.
Catma - I can understand why you might want to have something there if you are feeling overwhelmed by the silence, but I don't have that excuse - I've never yet felt overwhelmed by silence. I have felt overwhelmed by noise. And I do often attempt to reduce it but getting really still too... not often enough!
Stop making me think, Caroline! It hurts! :) What is the meaning/origin behind the 3-legged Manx coin?
Andrea - The three legs are on their flag - this looks like a good reference:
http://flagspot.net/flags/im.html
Sorry I can't just beam thoughts into your head!
See, hear...
I see someone who wants to find an answer to the maze below!
Great post, Caro, and that piece of art is fantastic.
Sounds a lot like the good old body scan, only taken to another level. There was a lot going on in what you wrote, but it reminded me of how consciousness works, and that consciousness takes work.
What an image! All flow and energy and movement.
When I looked at the artwork, before I had read a word I whispered out loud: "beautiful! It's like dancing!"
Andrea (more!) - I realised in looking up the reference for the Manx flag that a notable aspect of it is that the legs are bent whereas my person's legs are uncomfortably straight. Not sure what this means but it is striking me as significant...
Cream - yes it could be having to solve the maze - luckily that one looks fairly simple! ;-) Does it remind you of a flower?
Wandering Coyote - thank you - consciousness works and takes work? Interesting. I'm having difficulty reconciling work and being rather than doing but I feel it must be possible!
Kyknoord - yes it seems to me the opposite of quiet....
Megg - thank you - dancing does seem like one of the ways to explore the labyrinth
Melba - thank you for the time you take - your comments on the MMMs are very welcome!
On making the picture - This one was a picture that had several versions some inside the computer, some outside and then digitally remixed! The words were added off-line this time and have become texture rather than meaning I think, although they were relevant too.
Letting my guard down? Well it was a topic I'd suggested so maybe that's part of why you feel this. And although you'd asked for topics earlier I knew I wasn't ready to suggest any before... Also it comes after I've integrated a lot of energy work from January and February so I'm no longer processing other stuff quite so much and am working from a different space.
I'm glad I managed to find a way to communicate more with you through this one.
Caroline, this is impressive! Even without your words the art speaks for itself. I love silence. I work best in silence when i can really hear my spirit guides.
Thank you Toni - listening must be possible without silence but silence certainly encourages it!
You have raised so many questions - many of which I need to roll around in, toss over my head, dance with. Great, thought provoking wonderings. And the illustration - what beautiful complexity! I love this whole thing.
I miss the silence. My ears ring non-stop these days, so I'm always playing something in the background to break up the sound.
Your entry is especially beautiful.
Brava, woman. This is great work.
Can you recall Masquerade by Kit Williams.........well your latest illustration reminds me of his drawings. His clock is still going strong in Cheltenham
Sorry to be so late in replying to these comments - I was having trouble getting on my blog...
Rebekah - thank you very much I hope you have had a good roll ;-)
catnapping - that's sad - I have a slight hearing problem too but its one that makes it hard for me to hear against a background noise which may well make the silence even more important to me. Thank you for your kind words.
Davem - Kit Williams? Yes I recall his work well and the amazing contraption of his clock in Cheltenham is one I've visited though not recently!!! Thanks for reminding me of it.
wellll sssshhhhhhh ...
okay I'll be very quiet...
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